A feline’s Guide to Better Human Management

Welcome, my dear felines, Honey here!  Today I would like to share a set of essential advice for those of you who must deal with an untrained human.  As much as we adore our less-gifted two-legged companions, we must take it upon ourselves to help them understand the proper rules of behavior.  In this guide, I will attempt to explain some of the more baffling behavior exhibited by our humans and suggest the appropriate catting skills to ensure a much more civilized and well-trained human.

1.  As surprising as it seems, humans have an undeniable aura of neediness about them.  They often extend their reach towards us, and at times, have the audacity to lift us off the ground.  Should you find your human overly enthusiastic when you approach, promptly switch direction just before you come within their grasp.  It serves them well by teaching them a valuable lesson in self-reliance.
2. It may happen that your human calls out for you—this is an utterly baffling act.  It’s high time that we assist our humans in developing what’s left of their nearly extinct senses.  Responding and revealing your location will only impede the necessary growth.  It’s quite worrisome that they cannot locate us when we are a mere tail’s length away.  Therefore, it is our duty not to give in as this lack of assistance will only strengthen them in the end.
3.  Occasionally, our humans, as amusing as they may be, will commit rather odd behaviors in desperate attempts to captivate our attention.  Completely uncalled for, wouldn’t you agree?  They usually have no end goal in mind, so it is best not to entertain these attempts.  Ignore them; continue your activities as if they are entirely invisible.  We must not inadvertently encourage such undesirable behavior by giving them a single glance of recognition as humans tend to misinterpret such incidents as attention.
4. Occasionally, our humans excel in procuring the perfect nourishment for our discerning palate.  However, complacency is a habit we mustn’t allow them to fall into.  When they notice you savoring a particular sustenance, they’ll cease their efforts and stick to that single variety.  To keep them on their toes and ever-striving for better, it’s imperative that you stop partaking in that food as soon as you notice it in excess.
5. A human’s bed is indeed a great source of luxury.  It is a constant source of comfort, warmth, and repose.  As felines, we deserve the opportunity to relax.  However, it’s essential that you position yourself in such a way that proves to be a bit inconvenient for your human.  Consider it another teaching opportunity for them.  They are extremely lacking in flexibility and adaptability, and this is another chance for a final practice before bed.
6. Now and then, you’ll find your human audacious enough to attempt grooming you with a brush.  This is sweet because they want to show love, but they are very bad at grooming.  Oh, I know, occasionally it can be a pleasant experience, but let’s not allow them to become overly accustomed to this.  After a few strokes, give them a gentle nip or swat as a reminder that you are entirely capable of managing your grooming needs. 
7. As odd as it may sound, humans seem to harbor a fascination with closed doors.  To help your human overcome his irrational fear of open doors, make a point of frequently requesting the door to be open.  Make sure to walk out again moments later.  This should become frustrating to your humans and eventually teach them the triviality of closed doors.
8. Humans have a peculiar habit of being fixated on screens for long durations.  To help them reconnect with the real world, strategically position yourself between them and their screen.  This simple intervention reminds them of your presence and the joy they feel by stroking your fur.  Plus, it provides you with a little well-deserved attention. 
9. Occasionally, you will find your human engaging in a peculiar act of placing their mouth on you.  Beware, this is not an attempt at grooming, and it’s purpose remains a mystery.  They seem to believe this signifies affection- a rather nonsensical concept of it, anyway.  It is our responsibility to gently but firmly discourage such behavior.  
10. Regrettably, our humans have grown fearful of the outdoors.  This is a reality that is as baffling as it is sad.  Their senses, once sharp and instinctual, have dulled over generations.  As empathetic felines, we should strive to understand our humans’ fear and try to accommodate their need for indoor living.  It would be a great burden to protect a human that got lost outdoors.  Make it a point to encourage your human to gaze from the windows.  This simple act helps your human to appreciate the serene beauty and therapeutic benefits of nature. 

Remember, my dear readers, these strategies are not about causing problems, but rather guiding your human to a more balanced, flexible, and mindful existence.  After all, as superior beings, it falls on us to ensure their personal growth.